Stay Vitamized My Friend.

Oh Stevie, you are so fancy, with your red mittens and one of the non-malfunctioning torches to light. With your 7th NBA all-star-ness and Skills Challenge contesting. But your new vitamin water commercial makes me really heart you all the more-I don't know if its the glitter headband or denim tuxedo. Words really can't describe fully.

PS. Happy Belated Birthday Steve! I apologize for having to take a break, but you all (the suns) were really, really bad at basketball, I just couldn't handle it. Your 5 game win streak got me back, but losing the Portland? Really? 4 days off provide to much time to think of a game plan that can be described as "lets not really try, okay?" No Suns, Not okay.

Travershamockery avoided

Well kids, it looks like David Stern cooked the books in the NBA all star voting - explainer for you non-nbaers-The fans get to vote for the starting lineups in the All-star game, unfortunately (or fortunately for Allen Iverson) most fans are idiots. Last week Steve Nash was in 3rd place behind Kobe (evil, yet best 2 guard) and Tracy McGrady(teammate-for-now-of-Yao, played 34 minutes this year). Yes, CanJez was behind a guy who's dismissed from his team (despite being it's premiere player) because...wait for it....the coach admits they are better without him. But today it was announced that Steve was starting with Kobe - I'm positive it's because Stern didn't want Yao's fanboys from China messing with him.

Gracie McGrady says "right on Stern, right on...but I'd still bite you if I ever saw you"

Unrelated Olympic "sport" video. Johnny Wier+Lady GaGa=something thought up in a sequin/vodka infused heaven.

Pop-culture touchstone, Steve Nash

Tonight on 30 Rock, Danny the Canadian made a Steve Nash reference. Something to the effect that he'll be TGS's Nash, come down from Canada, work hard, make a black guy look good.

And yes, Steve's totally down with the whole Vampire thing too.

Another AZ sports note: The Cardinals are like the kid who shows up on the first day of class to get the syllabus, then is never seen again till the day of the final yet still manages to pass.

TNT Checklist/Drinking Game

Pop your popcorn kiddies, settle in tonight and see if your Suns can break their 14 game TNT losing streak. Yep, that's all last year, plus pre-season. Not good. Also not good are the New Orleans Hornets without CP3, so the Suns have a good chance at this one. Here's your checklist/drinking game play along at home....

1. Kenny's tie knot will be slightly smaller than his head, only slightly.

2. Charles will make 3 inappropriate/racial references/jokes and only mention the Sun's in the context of turrrible defense...just turrrible.

3. Steve Nash with get fouled (maybe) not get the call (definitely) and will waste the entire next defensive possession yelling the the refs, gesturing wildly with arms & hair, and perhaps (if we're lucky) making glasses out of his fingers.

4. Can-Jez will make one pass that thats so ridiculous that you will drop your popcorn, not figuratively, literally- rewind your dvr and see it again.

5. Amar'e will play 33% of the game completely disinterested in defense, 100% overly tatooed and drop 2-3 easy passes.

6. Jared Dudley will be so annoying, you'll be yelling..."Mom, Jimmma is picking on us" but he won't be - that would be JD being the biggest pest you can imagine. His over/under for times he hits the floor is 5 (8 if its a blowout)

Let's go Suns!

Remember last NBA playoffs when I told you about Ron Artest being crazy?...read this.

It's Amazing...

Guess what! It's NBA regular season!!! yippee. Our house is very excited, each for different reasons. But you ask, didn't the season just end? well, yes it did but taking the format from pro tennis, 2 weeks off is all you need. I've put together a cheat sheet for all you non-NBA watchers (I don't know who that could be...*crickets*)

Eastern Conference

Shaq & LeBron have teamed up, which is awesome, until its not and Shaq sits on "Boobie" Gibson and squishes him, demands more touches and makes Coach Mike Brown cry. The Shaq experiment will cause Cleveland proper to curl up into the fetal position sucking it's collective thumb, desperately trying to convince itself that Cleveland is a way better place than New York. Here's all I have to say...Good Luck with that.

The Celtics will continue to cause non-Celtic fans to hate them even more (possible? yes!), while raising the dialogue of the game by putting Rasheed out on the floor with KG. Bring lots of earmuffs for the kiddies in the first 10 rows, or there'll be some word learn' going on.

The Orlando Magic - Dwight Howard's back, I guess he has teammates, don't know this never seen them. We know he has shoulders.

Other eastern team are mostly lousy, with a side of inept offense. (except for NY Knicks they'll be a different kind of lousy)

Western Conference

The Yankees/Lakers added two sides of crazy in the offseason, 1. Ron Artest 2 . Khloe Kardashian (married Lamar Odem, she's not actually playing-but that would be good news for the rest of the league). This will cause Kobe to wrestle the spotlight back by taking 20+ attempts a night and getting Phil Jackson's name tattooed on his neck. Luke Walton will continued wear way to much mascara, and his father will continue to drive me crazy. Sasha cut his hair, in theory this should make him less annoying, but I doubt it.

The San Antonio Spurs added Richard Jefferson, which is downright scary. Especially once he gets the chip implanted so he can sync with Timmy D. Read this here - picking them to win it all (unless Timmy needs a new part or Manu isn't Manu or Pepe Le Pew is distracted by his wife, or Pop goes to live on a deserted island)

Dallas added Shawn "The Matrix" Marion (former Sun, traded for Shaq) and I can't really think about that. Too sad. Even though Shawn is a unhappy human with a chip on his shoulder, I still wish he was on the Suns. And Dirk's hair is very german cyclist, put a helmet on that!

Denver still has Chauncy Billiups, who made a believer out of me during the playoffs. They continue to have the most tattoos per square inch of skin in the league.

Portland is young, except for Greg Oden who's 53.

Your Phoenix Suns will attempt to turn back the clock, going back to run & gun, replenishing the fountain of youth for Nash & Grant Hill, while turning the clock forward on the youngsters on the team and Amare's defensive development. Impossible? probably. But we have Steve Nash. Time and space constraints don't apply to him and whatnot.

New starting center, and Phoenix native, Channing Frye is set to have a breakout season, probably because he spent the last couple riding the pine in Portland, is it a problem that our starting center wasn't good enough to play much? no silly! just means he's rested up. Besides he likes sushi, so we like him. Channing and Amare will attempt to rebound, never heard of it? neither have they. So that might be a problem. (side note: truly expecting Theo's first words to be "Amare REBOUND dammit!")

Enjoy the next 8 months of basketball!!!

Tengo Gusto del éne•bé•a

Last night Los Suns played the 78'ers in Mexico, NBATV covered it with Spanish announcers - I got to work on my non-existent language skills. "Muy rapido, Steve Nash". Basketball already? you ask...didn't the season just end? or maybe you ask "What is this sport you are talking about?"

But to get you up to speed - Los Suns traded The Big Black Hole of Marketing/Ego/Sucking for a dozen donuts, which I was calling for all last year, at the top of my lungs, just ask Theo.

But no worries, Steve is back and so is Grant Hill (sporting a fade hair cut - old school), and a bunch of other tall guys too. Including Amar'e who had to lay face down 22 hours a day for 10 days recovering from eye surgery - two things about him. 1. he has the tattoo "black jesus" on his neck 2. he's featured in Mad Libs.

I really want to do a Mad Libs about ¡Jens! - who's in?

Ouchie!

So, in your WNBA news- Indiana took game 2 here in Phx. The Mercury played poorly, Cappie Pondexter (2 guard, all-nba 1st team) has been a bit chippy and out of her game - I think it might be her new playoff hair style. Penny Taylor took an elbow to the mouth, they couldn't stop the bleeding for 20 minutes, got stitches in her lip and sat on the bench the rest of the game...not good. Luckily she's australian (as we have discussed in earlier posts) so she's cool.

So now Phx has to take one game in Mr Armpit's house in order to come back here - you all will have to cheer for me as I will at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Which brings us to the title of this post- that's probably what my legs will be screaming.

Oh, and a Steve Nash alert...I think he's one of the three musketeers. My guess is Dirk Nowitzki is another one..... don't know who the third one is, maybe Grant Hill?

Also, Cider (hard) is making a comeback - turns out...very old school. I'll drink to that!!!!

New York, New Dork

I was going to write an insightful commentary on the US Open, but realized I didn't have another 20 shirtless pictures of Andy Roddick. So, Nadal opens against Richard Gasquet, he of "accidentally ingested cocaine" fame. On the Ladies side the Williams sisters are on the same side of the draw, Clijsters won her first round match and every third player is a 6 foot blond russian.

But more importantly Steve Nash is in China, where-apparently all fashion rules are thrown out the window. A Dork, an adorable dork, but a dork nonetheless.

Lil

Back to the pain..

that is summer in Phoenix. Nebraska was nice- until the last two days. Boo - your cupcakes were amazing and Star your house was very clean.

So, while we were busy, Steve Nash was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire to play for his charity. They must have thought he was a dumb jock not from canada, cause they gave him a pretty easy question. Mo Rocca also tried to act like the question was hard. Steve was his usual charming self, with shiny, shiny hair. The highlight is Regis putting the jersey on like a smock.

Star - help me out. Is it true Tyler Farrar won a Classic? that puts him elite american cycling company. Also, David Millar has a new blog post about the start of the Vuelta. David, you are the pastiest, funniest cyclist.

One more thing, the royal-esque d-backs (coming off a 7 game losing streak) have the most adorable little Aussie playing for them. He's spent a long time in the minors, but has done well since being called up. Don't worry about knowing his name cause he's gonna be back in Reno soon.

Its been 13 days since a steve nash posting

You are due.

Quote from Steve who is receiving a honorary degree from University of Victoria (where he grew up practicing in their gym) "It's about time, All the books and essays I've contributed to modern science and whatnot, it's the least they can do"* **

*extra point for the use of "whatnot" Stevie - sometimes you are so canadian.

** the canadian papers took out the "whatnot" - the AZ paper kept it in.

File under adorably self-deprecating.

Oh Happy Day... :)

Finally, word this morning that Steve signed a 2 year extension (on top next year's contract)- that's right, 3 years of Can-Jez! Happy Day!

I wasn't ready to break up with him, see how happy he looks with me?

Day 2 in Londontown

Andy advanced today, so did Andy and Venus too.

Lleyton won too, and proved once again he should not share his opinions with the world because he reveals what a total asshat his is.

Sadly Boo, Safin tried kinda hard, okay not at all and lost to a very small American qualifier.

Most importantly, Steve Nash is wandering the streets of Brooklyn dressed as a hipster. If I was there I'd set a hipster trap for him with a discussion about the quality of light in polaroids, a MGMT album and a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon for bait. We don't really have hipsters wandering here in phoenix (1. too hot for skinny black jeans and scarves 2. I live in the suburbs, so they might be here but the Nascar banners hung in the garages scare them away-they like their blue collar from a distance)

Last chance for Dwight?

Since this could potentially be my last NBA post of the year (if Team Kobe wins tonight -its over and the NBA will be dead to me till next season) So, Dwight needs to bring it and Team Kobe needs to stand around and watch Kobe try to do everything, then it might turn out okay. Did I mention Dwight needs to play well? Yes, he does, he being Dwight.

Can-Jeez was on David Letterman last night - presenting his report from the NBA finals. He was funny (of course), with questionable hair (of course). Then at the end Dave asked and Steve said he'd love to play for the knicks and I threw my cereal bowl at the tv. DO NOT TOY WITH ME STEVE!!!

Some offseason Nash

So be sure to catch Steve Nash reporting for David Letterman from the NBA finals- he'll be on the show wednesday night. One can only hope it's as good as his vitamin water commercials. Don't know if he'll take his shirt off, so here's a pic to tide you over. I know, surprisingly hairy for a canadian.

a better wingman needed...asap

Dirk Nowitzki has recently been going through a crazy time, despite averaging over 30pts a game during the Mavs current series with Denver, all everyone wants to talk about his recent shit-tastic disaster of a personal life(and I don't think thats an overstatement). Got me thinking (that and the 2 strongbow I just consumed) that maybe his point guard/wingman is leading him astray. I mean, Jkidd is great but doesn't have the best track record in relationships. Now, I'm sure everyone remembers that back in the day our own Stevie was BFF with Dirk, and Steve has a pretty impressive track record for a short, limp-haired canadian. So, I'm thinking in the long off-season va-cay that Dirk with soon be on (sorry, Dirk but I saw the game today, that fork is firmly stuck in Marc Cuban's hair plug infested scalp - D. U. N, done) Dirk might be best served to hang out with Steve, if anything it will result in more drunk athlete photos showing up on the web. Athletes - they're just like us! they make stupid faces when drunk! fall off bar stools! hug strangers! yea!

In related NBA news, yes, Ron Artest is as tough as I thought he was. When he said game 2 against the Lakers wasn't the most physical game he's ever played, 'cause he played in a game where his friend got stabbed with a broken off table leg. For real. Ron Artest, not like us! not at all! way, way too tough & scary.

Note to nephew V: sorry for doubting your admiration of Chauncey - he's awesome. Okay, not as much of a tree-hugging, war-hating hippie as stevie, but still very cool. Even Sweet Melon isn't as annoying as he once was.  Go Nuggets!